


In My Head I Do Everything Right

by asilra



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Depression, I think?, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Social Anxiety, Swearing, chapters will get longer as the fic progresses dw, honestly idk how to tag stuff on here lmao, it's kleinsen but you gotta wait for it though, jared and evan are both kinda dicks but it's you know what it's okay, referring to connor there but yeah, we'll get there........ eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:37:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11645757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asilra/pseuds/asilra
Summary: The Connor Project has gone to shit, and Evan Hansen is an asshole who Jared Kleinman does not care about nor need.Nope.Totally not.Just.Screw Evan Hansen.Canon-compliant, Jared's POV post Good For You. Rated T for over-excessive use of the word "fuck".Title from Supercut by Lorde. Subject to change because I'm ridiculously indecisive!!





	1. love, i will let you go

**Author's Note:**

> yo!!!!! my first proper dear evan hansen fic!!!!!!!!!! i've been reading these since i got into deh back in march, and i've written a couple of drabbles, but this is my first published fic. also, my first multi-chapter fic.  
> non-beta'd, feel free to hmu if you want to beta me though. i'd be more than down for that.  
> so chapter 1 is really short, but it's just a quick into and chapter 2's word count is more than double this lmao. chapters will get longer as the fic progresses, but for now they'll be relatively short.  
> Chapter title from Real by Years & Years.

Fuck Evan Hansen.

 

Seriously. Fuck him and his Connor Project bullshit, fuck him and his fake emails, fuck him and his ‘helping the Murphys’ crap.

Fuck his penchant for lying.

Jared is through with all of that. He’s had enough of Evan’s shit, running off with his little girlfriend and leaving Jared behind. Jared is done with feeling used and ignored.

 

Most of all, Jared is done with feeling _jealous_.

Not that he’d ever admit his jealousy to anyone, or really even himself, but _seriously?_ Little anxious Evan Hansen had somehow managed to score a semi-popular girl, and was almost actually popular himself?

 

Just like he’d told Evan. _Wonder of wonders. Miracle of miracles._

 

That’s what really peeved Jared off. All of a sudden, Evan had things to do and places to be. Evan had actually _blown him off,_ for God’s sake. He went from being *that-one-loser-with-no-real-friends* to Mr. Co-President.

_But no,_ Jared thinks, _even that isn’t true_. Evan wasn’t *that-one-loser-with-no-friends*, he was *that-one-loser-with-very-few-friends*. Because Jared _was_ Evan’s friend, no matter how much Jared tried to ignore it. But nonetheless, that’s what Jared did. Ignore it.

It was easier that way.

_Just._

_Disconnect yourself from the boy and then all the weird fucking feelings will go away._

_You do_ not _have a crush on fucking Evan Hansen, of all people._

_Just ignore it._

_You have other friends. You have all your camp friends._

But that was over. Jared was done with all of Evan Hansen’s bullshit. Evan had been a dick, they’d had a fight, and it was over.

_“Maybe the only reason you even talk to me, Jared, is cause you don’t have any other friends!”_

 

_Damn,_ Jared didn’t want to admit it, but Evan had hit the nail on the head.

That had fucking _hurt_. It would have hurt coming from anyone, but from Jared’s equally friendless ex-friend? The statement burned him, sizzled through his skin like hot oil.

So, instead of doing something reasonable, like maybe apologizing for being a huge dick himself all the time, Jared lashed out with an empty threat.

 

_“I could tell everyone everything!”_

 

_Of course_ Jared wouldn’t do that. He _couldn’t_ do that. Exposing Evan would mean exposing himself, and Jared did not want to go down that path.

 

_“Yeah, why don’t you go ahead, do that! Tell everyone that you helped emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!”_

 

That took Jared aback. _Who the fuck_ was Evan to threaten him like that? The emails were _Evan’s_ fucking thing, not his. Jared didn’t facilitate the writing of them, all he had done was fucking _help_ Evan out there. He had _tried_ to be a _good fucking friend._

_What the actual fuck?_

 

He was over it, and so Jared did what he did best. Cover up his worries and insecurities by making other people feel shitty about themselves.

 

_“Fuck you Evan! Asshole!”_

 

And Jared had stormed off, leaving Evan to go cry with his new lovely family.

Because seriously, _fuck him._

Evan had played him, crushed him, left him behind.

Jared wasn’t of use to The Connor Project anymore, that much was obvious.

 

_So go ahead, cut me loose. I won’t fucking mind._


	2. the kids play ‘til they fall on their asses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared plays far too much Mario Kart and it all goes to shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Center of Gravity by The Brazen Youth.

Jared is through with trying. He’s spent his weekend playing video games, much to his parents’ dismay. Everything that has happened with Evan has put him on edge and it just.

_Ugh._

_Whatever._

 

Jared just needs _something_ to do, something to occupy his time with so that he doesn’t drive himself into a rage with pent-up annoyance and anger. As it turns out, video games are the perfect solution. He doesn’t even bother trying to level up or complete quests in any of the various MMORPGs he plays. Instead, he plays Mario Kart in single-player mode, over and over, attempting to beat his personal bests on every level. It gets to a point where he just stops focusing on the screen, and instead lets his hands on the controller do all the work.

_Left. Right. Right. You still have that power-up, use it._

Again and again, the glorious monotony of unfocused eyes and a buzzing controller.

 

Finally, Jared decides to take a break. He leans back in his swivel chair, takes off his glasses, and rubs his eyes. As he nudges the lenses back over his nose, he catches a subtle glow in his peripheral vision.

Ah, yes. His for-once-neglected cell phone.

Jared isn’t planning on checking it, he had silenced it for a reason, but that little voice in his head goes _‘fuck it’_ and…

_For Christ’s sake._

 

_[1 NEW NOTIFICATION] The Connor Project has shared a post: Connor’s Suicide Note_

 

As much as Jared wants to ignore it, just click his phone back off and go back to playing Mario Kart for another few hours, he’s compelled to unlock his phone and look at the new post.

 

 

 

> _Dear Connor Project Community,_
> 
> _Connor’s note is a message to all of us. Share with as many people as you can. Post it everywhere. If you’ve ever felt alone, like Connor, please consider making a donation to the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard. No amount is too small._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Alana Beck, Co-President of The Connor Project_

 

_What the hell, Alana?_

 

> _Dear Evan Hansen,_
> 
> _It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because why would it be?_
> 
> _Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe. Maybe nothing would be different at all._
> 
> _I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_
> 
> _Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_
> 
> _Me._

 

_Oh fuck._

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

Jared knows, he just _knows,_ that despite the fact that this isn’t actually Connor’s suicide note, he shouldn’t be reading it.

Because, _damn_ , _this is Evan’s weird sex letter?_

It’s depressing. It’s heartbreaking.

_And Evan wrote it. This is…_

_This was how Evan felt._

_He…_

_What the hell?_

What really fucks Jared up is that he doubts he’d even realize it wasn’t _actually_ Connor’s suicide note if it weren’t for the words ‘ _Dear Evan Hansen’_ adorning the top of the page, reminding him of the letter’s true author.

It reads so much like a suicide note.

_No wonder the Murphys thought it was._

Jared finds himself wanting to feel sorry for Evan. He knew the kid wasn’t great with socializing or anything, but he never realized that Evan was _hurting_ like this. And how did Jared treat him? Jared was a Grade-A dick to the poor guy.

 

 _But that was past Evan,_ Jared reminds himself, because. Well.

 _Present_ Evan lied his way into the Murphy’s hearts.

 _Present_ Evan played Jared and used him to help further said lies.

 _Present_ Evan got his dream-come-true and ditched his only friend for a pretty girl.

 _Present_ Evan is a fucking asshole who doesn’t deserve Jared’s pity.

 

To distract himself from wanting to punch a wall, Jared decides to skim through the post’s comments. The ‘note’ has only been public for a few minutes, but the online community is already at work, new comments appearing every second.

 

 

> _Have people seen this?_
> 
> _the whole world needs to see this._
> 
> _share it w/ everyone you know._
> 
> _This is why the orchard is so important._
> 
> _he wrote his suicide note to evan hansen because he knew his family didnt give a shit._
> 
> _His parents, by the way, are insanely rich._
> 
> | _maybe they should’ve spent their money on helping their son_
> 
> _Evan Hansen was the only one who was paying any attention._
> 
> _“All my hope is pinned on Zoe”…_
> 
> | _zoe is a stuck up bitch. trust me, i go to school with her._
> 
> _[Someone is typing a comment…]_

 

And, man, Jared can’t believe his eyes, because _holy shit,_ what happened to the whole ‘ _you are not alone’_ slash _‘you will be found’_ mantra that The Connor Project had created? What happened to all the love, acceptance and inclusion? Sure, Jared never particularly liked the Murphy family – especially not Zoe – but damn, they’re outright being attacked. And, realistically, Jared doesn’t even know how much effort they put into helping Connor or whatever. All he knows is that somewhere along the line, something went wrong with Connor and that something never got fixed.

What Jared _does_ know is that Alana made a fucking huge mistake. Because, honestly, _who does that? Who the fuck publishes some kid’s suicide note for the world to see?_ Her message seems frantic, and the ending seems to imply that this is some last-ditch effort to raise money for the Kickstarter before the deadline. Jared assumes that the Murphys are unaware. It’s pretty obvious, he thinks, that posting the letter would result in backlash against them, and there’s no way that Zoe would want so much public attention on her back, especially since she’s referred to by name.

 

Scowling, Jared texts Alana.

 

 

> what the actual fuck alana
> 
> I’m sorry?
> 
> the note
> 
> the murphys dont know do they
> 
> u didnt get their permission
> 
> Technically no, Jared, but it was a necessary move to help fully fund the Kickstarter.
> 
> thats fucked up
> 
> seriously did you even consider the backlash
> 
> what happens now?
> 
> the murphys just get shitted on forever?

 

 

 _‘because of a lie?’_   Jared has typed, but he quickly deletes the text. No. Exposing Evan meant dragging himself down, and that was not going to happen.

 

Jared feels a headache emerging at the edge of his temple, and he just can’t deal with this bullshit right now. Besides, he’s cut himself off from The Connor Project, right? This shouldn’t be his concern, like, at all anymore.

Despite the gravity of the situation right now, he is too tired to deal with it. Jared feels his eyelids droop as he scans through more comments, and elects to instead silence his phone once again and throw himself into bed.

 

 _This bullshit can be a tomorrow problem_ , he thinks, _along with Evan in general._

 

 _Fuck,_ Jared is dreading tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 "fuck" counter: 14


	3. nothing's gonna hurt me with my eyes shut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow comes, and so does the day after. Jared deals. Barely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's like 1am and this has been a wip for like 2 weeks and i finally finished it. proofreading?? what's that??? (hmu if you see any mistakes cause i'm a lazy asshole)
> 
> possible content warning for bad eating habits and negative thoughts i guess?
> 
> Chapter title from Eyes Shut by Years & Years  
> (not particularly relevant to the chapter, but i just name these after what i'm listening to, and atm it's lots of years & years)

Tomorrow comes and so does school and Jared sees neither Evan nor Zoe there.

_Figures. He’s probably getting all cuddly and apologetic and letting Zoe cry on his shoulder about how everyone suddenly hates her or some shit._

Jared can’t stand the thought. He scoffs at it, laughs at the idea of Evan playing all ‘big happy family’ in the midst of the mess he’s made. Like, come on, it’s literally Evan’s fault that the Murphys are getting all this shit thrown at them. Evan doesn’t deserve his stupid shitty family.

Alana, however, had approached Jared at school and asked if he knew the whereabouts of either missing student. Laughing coldly at her and muttering something about them being too busy getting it on to care about their education, he walked off.

 

Okay, so yeah, maybe that wasn’t true.

 

In all honesty, Jared doubts that Evan and Zoe would have… gone there. In his opinion, Evan is _way_ too much of an anxious wreck to even think of bringing that subject up in conversation.

_Yeah, no, Evan is definitely still a virgin._

And now Jared is freaking himself out because he’s going _waaayyyyyyy_ too in-depth thinking about his (ex) friend’s sex life and _who the fuck does that?_

_Dude. Chill._

 

Jared can feel his thoughts going into overdrive, and he’s getting _another_ damn headache, so he just pops two Tylenol and jumps straight into bed for a nap, clothes and all. He sets his glasses and phone on his cluttered nightstand, rubs at his temples, and shuts his eyes.

 

Eventually, Jared is woken by some of the neighborhood kids outside who are yelling obnoxiously loudly as they attempt to play some sort of game. Normally, he would just roll back over and try to get back to sleep, but instead he decides to check the time. He slides his glasses on, and notices two notifications taking up the bulk of his screen.

It’s 8:30 pm. Damn, he’s surprised his parents didn’t wake him for dinner but _hey, whatever_. Not like he would have eaten anyway.

Jared’s eyes move down his lock screen, and he scans over the texts.

Evan.

Of course.

Fucking typical.

  

>  Im so sory  
>   srry sorry sorry im sorry

 

Jared doesn’t know what the fuck Evan is specifically sorry for, but even while half asleep he can still conjure a list of about a half-dozen things that he could _(and should)_ be sorry for. The texts are extremely vague, and despite knowing all too well just how frequently Evan stammers out apologies, something here feels different.

Evan has changed as a person. He’s gained some confidence, somehow, and he stutters less, and is overall less anxious. It kind of freaks Jared out. But here, it seems Evan has reverted to his old self. “Sorry”s thrown around for no specific reason, and the texts are littered with typos.

Which means one of two things.

One: Evan’s hands are extremely, grossly sweaty. Jared’s gotten the short end of the stick here, having to hold those sweaty hands far too many times in elementary school. This particular level of sweat is one that prevents Evan from being able to use a smartphone functionally-

\- or two: Evan is crying, possibly having a panic attack. Yet again, Jared has had to deal with far too many panic attacks for his (or Evan’s, he supposes) comfort.

Jared wants to reply, to send a ‘whatever’ or something equally bland, yet still biting and bitchy, but the idea of even making contact with Evan makes his blood boil.

Fuck that.

Instead, he shoves his glasses back onto his nightstand before lying down and shutting his eyes.

 

When Jared wakes, it’s to the sound of his alarm. He sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. _Great_. It’s already 6:30 in the morning, and Jared just _doesn’t._

Want to do anything.

At all.

But, unfortunately, he knows he must prepare for school if he wants to pass senior year. He needs an average attendance of ninety percent, dammit, and there is no way in hell he’s gonna let Evan affect that.

So, instead of going back to sleep, Jared stumbles into the shower, and lets the scalding water turn his skin red as steam rises around him and condensation drips down the glass door. He scrubs hard at his face, as if that will somehow rid his eyes of the dark bags beneath them.

Finally, he makes his way out of the shower and pulls on some clothes. Jeans. Graphic tee. A hoodie, because it’s starting to get cold out.

After deciding to skip breakfast, Jared packs his backpack, grabs his keys, and heads out the door.

 

Again, no sign of Evan or Zoe at school.

Jared is relieved.

He doesn’t know how long he would be able to go about ignoring Evan anyway, and Jared knows he’s just delaying the inevitable, but he just.

Can’t deal right now.

With his brain, or his thoughts, or anything to do with Evan.

 

He runs into Alana again. Or, rather, she runs into him.

“Hi! Jared! You wouldn’t happen to know where Evan is, would you? It’s just that he’s ignoring my texts, and I’m actually quite concerned about both him and the future of The Connor Project, you know? I hate to admit it, but he was right when he told me that it wouldn’t be the same without him.”

Jared stares blankly at Alana.

“No, I don’t know where Hansen is, and frankly I don’t give a shit.”

 

_Liar._

_When did you start calling him ‘Hansen’? Are you really distancing yourself from him that much?_

 

God, he wants his brain to shut up.

Alana pipes up again. “Well, I was wondering if you’d like to-”

Jared, being the asshole he is, cuts her off. “I actually have to go now. You know, I have legitimately important things to do.”

And with that, he walks off, leaving Alana gaping behind him.

_Whatever._

Jared has biology next period, and he really doesn’t feel like showing up. There’s no way he can go home, though, because his mom would be there and start questioning his truancy. So instead, he heads off to the one place where he knows for a fact he won’t be disturbed. The C-Block boys’ toilets. They’re gross. They stink, there’s mold growing on the sinks, and only one stall door actually has a lock.

 

Luckily, Jared just feels too… empty to care.

It’s odd. Over the past few days, he’s gone from feeling too much to just… not.

It’s like someone’s drained his brain out, filtered through all his stupid emotions and now all he feels is vague anger and just. Sadness.

And, oddly enough, longing.

For what, Jared isn’t sure. Connection? Decent friends?

He’s sure of one thing: it’s not Evan.

No.

No way.

Fuck no.

(It’s not like longing is what’s making like his heart ache every time he thinks of Evan, definitely not. It’s just the anger, and the annoyance.)

Jared Kleinman does not care about Evan Hansen anymore. 

 

_Such a fucking liar._

 

Just.

Fuck Evan Hansen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was....... really hard to write?? idk man i'm just not satisfied with it. at least it's a decent size tho.  
> fun fact: I had to google what brand name paracetamol is sold under in the usa cause I’m from australia and we have panadol here but that’s not a thing and apparently paracetamol is known as acetaminophen in the usa?? why????? are they different??????????????? i’m so confused (also I’m referring to the tylenol here btw :0)
> 
> chapter 3 "fuck" counter: 7 (damn, it's dropping)


	4. oh, time doesn't care about anyone or anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, and maybe Jared has gotten worse at dealing. But he's fine. Totally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after, like. a four month hiatus. i'm back. with the longest chapter so far i think???? idk anymore. this is the Designated Time Skip chapter bc i need to speed things up so. like.  
> the fancy italicized lines in the first few paragraphs????? i stole them from the libretto because they are Beautiful, and steven levenson's writing is amazing. 
> 
> chapter title from (Coffee's for Closers) by Fall Out Boy
> 
> this chapter gets pretty serious so like. warnings for depressed thoughts/depression in general. there's a psychiatrist and a safety assessment kinda thing in there, with mentions of suicide. stay safe, you guys.

_Life goes on._ After another week, Zoe returns to school. She looks… pissed. She slams her locker a lot. She doesn’t seem to talk to people. In a way, she reminds Jared of her brother. But he doesn’t want to think about that. Instead, he thinks about how shit seems to finally have hit the roof, and his suspicions are concerned when Alana approaches Zoe.

_“Hey, Zoe! I noticed you’ve been out for a while, I hope you feel better now. Do you by any chance know where Evan is? He isn’t answering my calls.”_

Zoe scowls, twisting her arguably pretty face into something mean and ugly. _“Just fuck off, Alana. Don’t talk to me.”_ With that, she storms off, leaving Alana standing there dumbfounded. Jared hides himself behind a row of lockers, feeling rather childish, and watches as Alana pulls out her phone and begins to type furiously, before walking in the opposite direction, braids trailing behind her.

 

When Jared gets home, he sees that The Connor Project twitter page has been deleted. He figures that’s a good thing. But Jared doesn’t really care.

 

_Hearts break and mend and break once more._ A month after the original incident, Evan returns too. He appears… different. The confidence that Jared last saw him wear is gone, like it was never there in the first place. He looks down when he talks to people (rarely). He spends his lunch period in the library. He avoids Zoe, and Zoe avoids him.

Jared never finds out what Alana wanted to say to Evan, but he figures it would begin with something like _“what the fuck?”_

Or maybe Evan would say that to her, seeing as the was the one who posted The note online. He doesn’t know. Evan is different now. Maybe it's for the better.

 

But Jared doesn’t watch him in the halls between classes. Jared wouldn’t know. Jared doesn’t care.

 

_Time does its work._ Jared graduates. Sitting there, during the ceremony, Jared tries not to think about how his year is smaller than it should be. Not just because Julie Miller and James Peterson and some other people he didn’t really know moved schools throughout the past eight or so months.

Because Connor fucking Murphy killed himself on the first day of school and nothing has been the same since.

But really. He tried not to think about that. And anyway. It’s not like he cares.

Alana is valedictorian, of course, and she unleashes this big grand speech about how she’s so thankful for everyone, and how they all helped each other through high school and _blah, blah, blah._ Jared’s just glad she doesn’t start spouting off names of “acquaintances”. He honestly does not think that he could survive that.

 

Jared’s name is called, and he walks, and he graduates, and the only people who really seem to cheer for him are his parents. His peers just half-heart some applause. _Whatever._ High school is gone and done. Afterwards, instead of crashing one of the many parties he was _not_ invited to, Jared sneaks a couple of his dad’s beers from the fridge and locks himself in his room.

 

During the first week of the holidays, before Alana ships herself off to Princeton or Harvard or whichever fucking Ivy League school she was accepted into, The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard has its grand opening. Or, Jared guesses, re-opening. The name alone makes him feel sick. Jared told himself he wouldn’t go - it’s not like he actually contributed to the Kickstarter, not like either co-president would let him – yet he finds himself lingering at the back of the crowd. Surprise, surprise, Evan is nowhere to be seen. Alana makes a speech, which he mostly tunes out, and then the Murphys are in front of the podium.

 

Jared doesn't want to hear this. Can't hear this. He turns and leaves, silently dropping ten dollars into the donation jar by the parking lot. At least this money is going towards an actual organization, dedicated to helping mentally ill young adults. Or something.

 

June rolls around, and Jared hardly leaves his house. Hardly leaves his bedroom. His mom worries. She worries a lot, and claims Jared is acting far more withdrawn than he used to be. Jared gets all snarky and sarcastic on her. _He doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Hasn’t his newfound adulthood pumped him full of joy?_

Unfortunately, his shitty joke isn’t reason enough to ease her concern. She gets him to see a doctor, who, for whatever reason, refers him to a psychiatrist and. Well.

 

“So, Jared. Can you tell me why you’re here?”

Jared shrugs. That's the million dollar question. He doesn’t need to be here. He says that- “I don’t need to be here” and the psychiatrist asks why. Jared shrugs again. The two of them sit in silence for a moment, before the older man shifts his weigh and tries another approach. “Your mother mentioned you’ve been acting socially withdrawn lately, you don’t want to participate in family activities. Could you tell me about that?”

Jared scowls. “Yeah, well I’m not the most social person to begin with. I don’t exactly have- My closest friend, I was a dick-” He isn’t sure about the consensus on swearing while talking to a medical professional, or whatever, so he corrects himself “-a jerk to him, and then he was a d- jerk to me, and, well. That’s that. I have some friends I went to camp with last summer, but it’s kind of awkward that we’re all adults now. Plus, most of them live pretty far away.”

“And what about friends from school?”

Jared thinks for a second. “Yeah, I have school friends,” he says, because he isn’t just going to admit to this doctor that he’s a friendless loser. Except he kind of already has, but whatever. Besides. He’s fine.

The psychiatrist hums, and jots something down. _Doctor Ross_ , his name badge reads. “So, Jared,” he says. “Can you tell me anything about your college plans?”

 

Jared gives him a run-down. Staying in state. Hoping to major in computer science. Blah, blah, blah. Doctor Ross asks if he’s looking forward to college, which prompts another shrug on Jared’s end.

“I dunno. When I was younger, it was this big deal. I couldn’t wait for college, just wanted to jump right in and get away and meet new people. But now…” He trails off.

“Now?” Doctor Ross prompts, and Jared curses himself for opening up at all.

“Now, I guess… I don’t know.” He knows he shouldn’t continue, knows he should shut his mouth before he goes too far and somehow convinces the doc he needs help. “Now I guess it feels kinda pointless.”

 

_Welp, a little late for that._

 

“In what way does it feel pointless?”

For the first time in this conversation, Jared doesn’t hesitate. “Like, yeah, I get that there’s a degree waiting there at the end and all, but it just seems so far away.”

“Like you can’t see yourself getting there?” Doctor Ross prompts, and yet again, Jared shrugs.

“Yeah, I dunno, it’s hard to explain.”

“Can you try for me?”

 

Can Jared? Can he really? It’s just. It’s so complicated. Instead of an attempt, another shrug. They keep going like that for a while, prodding questions and stifled answers, and Jared knows they’re about done when Doctor Ross pulls out the big guns.

 

“Now Jared, I need you to be completely honest with me here. Everything you say is confidential, just remember that. It doesn’t go past me.”

Jared nods.

“Have you ever had any thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else? Of ending your life?”

 

Well.

 

_No, no, and no,_ he says. He’s not Connor Murphy.

And then he feels incredibly dickish for thinking that, but it doesn’t hide the feeling deep in his stomach. Like maybe, just maybe. He might be lying.

It’s fucking dumb, Jared thinks to himself, because he’s never thought about that stuff. In hypotheticals, sure, but who hasn’t? He’s not telling the psychiatrist that though. No way.

But then his muscles or whatever get ahead of his logical reasoning and he opens his big fat fucking mouth.

“Are we talking, like, genuinely though? Or hypothetically?”

Jared is, yet again, asked to expand on what he means, and he almost scoffs. He’s sure the doc knows exactly what he means. And yet.

“Like, sure, I think about ‘what if I were dead’ scenarios and stuff like that. I mean, don’t we all? Would anyone care? Or, y’know, when you’re performing some small, menial task and you think about the pointlessness of life. Stuff like that.”

 

Doctor Ross hums, and jots down more writing, and then time is passing and passing and passed and.

 

Well, shit.

 

Jared walks out with shocked look on his face and a prescription for a low-dosage antidepressant in his hand. Plus a recommendation for a psychologist. But. He’s fine. Really. He doesn’t need pills or a shrink to dissect him.

He’s _totally, truly fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like. i've never been to a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist of any kind before, unless you count my school counselor, which. yeah nah. idk if that's a completely accurate conversation?? in all seriousness i'm basing the psychiatrist scene only off of stuff i've previously read so like. ya. also it's legit 4am rn so like. if any of this isn't coherent, hmu.  
> also, fair warning, i might reread this in the morning-morning and hate it all, and rewrite half of it. but hopefully not. just putting that out there. cool.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!!!  
> comment and i'll be forever in your gratitude. also i might reply with a tree fact who knows ;)
> 
> fun fact: i used the word "fuck" 16 times in chapter one alone lmao i'm going to hell
> 
> feel free to hit me up on tumblr @stepouttathesun !!!!


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